From the beginning of Myriam Gurba’s Mean, Gurba has constantly stated this overwhelming feeling of guilt when she feels the presence of Sophia Loren’s ghost, a girl who was raped and killed by a man. Up until this point, we had been unaware as to what her relationship to Sophia is and why she harbors such strong feelings of guilt. We finally learn more about what the two had in common, the same perpetrator. Gurba relives her experience and describes the horrifying scene where the only thing she could think of was how embarrassing the situation was. She was not only humiliated on her own but then when searching for help she is shamed by others around her.
It is upsetting that someone who went through a traumatic event is not initially thinking about her own well-being and is instead concerned about what other people are thinking about, especially the man who did these horrid things to her. “The only other detail I’ll give is one that seared me with humiliation. “Oh my god,” I thought horrified. “I’m wearing my period underwear.”” (Gurba, 119) This line makes it seem as though it is her fault, that she should have been more “presentable” for this man who is assaulting her. It also shows that in this society, it is a lose-lose-situation, because if she had been wearing something more “suitable” she would have been called a slut and a whore and people would tell her if she wasn’t wearing something like that it probably wouldn’t have happened. It is a disgusting narrative that we unfortunately see very often where many people look to the victim of assault and try to see where they “went wrong”. There is simply nothing a victim could do than what they did. If their survival instincts told them to freeze, run, fight none of that is their fault. Instead of looking at what the victim should have done perhaps we can for once look at what the predator did and go off of that. There should never be the question as to what the victim was wearing, what they did or didn’t do. It is frustrating that these thoughts have been so ingrained into everyone’s minds that while a victim is actively being assaulted she can only think about the embarrassment that she is facing because she isn’t wearing the sexiest underwear in the world.
Later, we feel more of the shame Gurba feels when she is grabbed and has to make the “walk-of-shame” past people who know that something extremely vulnerable and personal just happened to her. “The school secretaries turned as we entered. They looked at me. They had the same looks on their faces the principal had upon first seeing me. It was one I’d never seen before but recognized immediately. It was the oh-god-she’s-been-raped look.” (Gurba, 121) This line can read so many ways to me. While it could be a look of sympathy, the way I believe it to be is almost like a here-we-go-again type of tone to it. As if Gurba’s assault was an inconvenience to them. Not only would she feel shame in this moment for what happened but now she has to be concerned over what people think about her and her situation. This gives us an accurate understanding over what it is like for victims of assault, even if no one is directly saying to them it is their fault or they should be ashamed, we see that people just are involved and will have thoughts on something that does not have anything to do with them. Even if the way they were looking at her came from a place of sympathy, no one wants to look like someone others would want to pity, they do not want to be seen as a vulnerable victim, especially someone as “mean” as Gurba. Society views these people as weak, in all senses, mental and physical. These are not fair assumptions though because anyone who is a victim of any attack needs to cope and overcome in their own ways and how they handled the situation before and after is not and should not be a tell on their strength as a person.
Finally, the last instance of shame we see through this section is when Gurba is yelled at by the nurse after her traumatic experience. “”STOP CRYING!” yelled the nurse. Her command shocked me silent. “You’re going to have to get over this,” she said. “These kinds of things happen. You’re going to have to get over this. Do you hear me?” Her forehead tensed. Her skin grew stern.” (Gurba, 122) To be told in a place where you believe you are going to get help to get over something that just happened could be extremely shattering to a person. These things take time to heal and snapping at someone who is clearly still frazzled by the situation is not the way to go about it at all. This is something we see everyday, sometimes not to the same extent of it being right after it happened but victims are told to just “get over” something extremely traumatic. Gurba and many other victims experience PTSD, it is not something they can just control and anything in everyday life could trigger someone. Some if not most people never truly recover from these situations, and being told by others to speed up their recovery process could be really disheartening, as it could feel as though they are being a burden to other people because of the situation they went through. This brings more shame from a situation where there should not have been any to begin with. We could try to understand where these people are coming from, it is true that it is something that they can not change or do anything about so what is the use of being upset over it? PTSD is ultimately a defense mechanism, when a person goes through something so traumatic the body and mind will react in a certain way in order to almost keep them cautious and if something triggers them, there is a reason for this. It is almost as though your instincts are raised incredibly and you are hyper aware of things around you. So while it would be nice to just “get over” something like this, these experiences could change someone’s life indefinitely.
- Why might Gurba or any other victims of assault feel shame when they are ultimately not at fault for what happened?
- Why was everyone so insensitive to the situation and is the nurse right in what she says, should Gurba just “get over this”?
Gurba, Myriam. Mean. Coffee House Press, 2017.
Hey there Skylar! First off I want to say you did a stellar job on your blog post. In reading through your post, one aspect that I liked a lot was what you mentioned about how wrong it felt for the author to feel self conscious or guilty about her sexual assault, when that thought should be the last thing she needs to care about. In answering your first question, I think that victims of assault like Gurba feel an unwarranted sense of shame because when looking back on what happened to them, some victims think that if they did just a bit more to confront their perpetrator, they could have prevent multiple other women from suffering in the same way as them. One example of how Gurba relays this point is in the statement that, “It’s not fair that I’ve had so much privilege. And by privilege I mean life “ (112). In this particular case, Gurba and Sophia both suffered at the hands of the same man, but Gurba was the one to escape. Gurba having her encounter before the case of Sophia makes her think that she could have done more to prevent the man from raping and in this case murdering others.
Hi Skylar! I just wanted to say this was a great blog post! You included a lot of great detail in this and some great questions to think about! As for your first question, unless someone has been in that position, we don’t know exactly why Gurba or other victims of sexual assault feel shame when they are ultimately not at fault for what had transpired. But, to take a guess, I would say some victims of sexual assault may feel ashamed or guilty when they aren’t at fault for what happened because when they look back on the situation, they may not have fought back or confronted their rapist or assaulter, or look back and feel like they could have done more to prevent the situation from happening. The same man that murdered Sophia Torres also assaulted Gurba, which is the reason Gurba feels ashamed. After this event, Gurba had to live with the fact that she survived an assault by the man that murdered Sophia. “The privilege of surviving doesn’t feel good. It makes me feel guilty” (Gurba 112). In my opinion, Gurba feels guilty because she possibly could have prevented the muder of Sophia if only she had done something sooner to prevent this man from encountering Sophia.
Good job with this comment, Lindsey, just make sure all quotes are introduced according to the MLA format
Gurba writes, “…….” (112).
Score: 4 out of 5
Hi Skylar, great post! I believe the scene on page 118-119, was a very important one and I’m glad you chose to talk about it. Reading these words Gurba wrote as she described her assault made my blood boil. It made my heart ache, and my palms sweat, that is why I believe she stated “I’m wearing my period underwear.” (Gurba 119) She included this part to lighten the mood, as she uses humor to tell her story. As for your first question, I feel Gurba or anyone sexually assaulted may feel ashamed because society likes to say “well what were you wearing” or “did you repeatedly say no.” Sexual assault is assault, whether you were in a bathing suit or sweatpants, it is not okay. But women are not always believed or given empathy because not everyone thinks the same way. It’s sad that victims can feel ashamed, because saying to yourself what I could have done differently will eat you alive. It’s not what “you” should’ve done differently, it’s what the “predator” should’ve done.
Hi Skyler I feel like your topic of this post is verry important because Gurba also talks about the story of Sophia Torres. She brings up Torres because the same person or same kind of person who rapped Gurba killed Torres “The man who’s about to sexually assault me murdered Sophia Torres” (112). It seems as though Torres is another reference to ghost’s for Gurba and she feels guilty because she was able to live her life “And by privileged, I mean life” (112). Here I feel like Gurba is trying to say that even though they came from similar backgrounds her living makes her feel like higher up in social class than people like Torres. Something else that is weird is that Gurba said that what happened to Torres affected the enjoyment of a specific food “It makes me want to not enjoy strawberries” (112). Garba says this because she feels like if she enjoys strawberries she is supporting what happened to Torres because she was a strawberry farm worker.
Hey Skylar!! I really enjoyed reading your blog post. Gurba or any other victims of assault feel shame when they are ultimately not at fault for what happened due to the overwhelming emotions they are faced with. Although they have no reason to feel guilty they are filled with so many different emotions of denial and weakness that they don’t know how to exactly feel. For instance, many victims over think the incident and question how they ended up in that dangerous situation to begin with. One important quote that stood out to me is the statement “Since I wasn’t me, I don’t know who was walking” (Gurba 120). I felt this quote was very powerful and filled with emotion as it represents the ideology of feeling loss of identity due to the trauma endured. This statement resembles the very moment before her incident and her mentality in that moment. It was almost like she views herself as being worthless at the time since she is so ashamed that it happened to her. As the story was retold from her perspective she felt it almost wasn’t her explaining it since she is still filled with heavy emotions of regret and denial.
Hi Skylar, I really enjoyed your blog post and thought you brought up some really important issues surrounding the guilt that women feel when they are sexually assaulted. I feel as though many institutions, when someone brings up a sexual assault allegation, have to deal with all of the attention it will bring to the institution (in this case the school). There are many steps and even court trials that deal with this issue. As a result, the school might get a lot of negative attention and be seen as an unsafe place for students to attend. It can create a bad reputation. This is very toxic because it takes away the comfort and support that the girl needs from the school, and instead, makes them feel like the culprit rather than the victim.
This is sad because it takes a lot of courage for a woman to come forth and admit their situation. When they are not treated with warmth or kindness but cold and bitter attitudes it can make a woman feel even more shame. For example, when talking about the nurse, Gurba states, “Her forehead tensed. Her skin grew stern. I became perfectly quiet. The nurse observed me. Her expression remained firm. Sensation left me. Numbness replaced the volcano I’d been seconds before” (Gurba 122). In this quote Gurba describes the contrast of her emotions. She felt like a volcano, full of emotions, whereas now, she only feels numbness. In this quote one can even feel Gurba’s numbness. Each sentence is short and it is almost like a list. This is a stark contrast to the dark humor that Gurba normally includes during this novel. Here, it just feels numb.