In Myriam Gurba’s memoir Mean, Gurba calls attention to the sexual violence women experience and how it feels to live life after trauma. Gurba after going through a traumatic sexual assault lives with fear. Unfortunately, that fear has attached to her and now changes the way she views the world around her. We typically hear about traumatic experiences and what happened in the moment however, it is important to discuss the pain that lingers and the after-effects sexual assault has on a person.
Experiencing sexual assault has left Gurba viewing the world around her differently. It has left her questioning the meaning of surviving and the meaning of rape. To Gurba, rape is everywhere. It’s lurking in the air, the sky, the dugout, the infield, and the neighbors. When Gurba lists the places rape hides it alludes to the idea that rape is something that can happen anywhere even in the most mundane places and even with ordinary-looking people. Gurba after experiencing rape feels that it has changed her when she states “After a stranger ambushes you and assails your private parts, everything becomes new. Everything is reborn. Everything takes on a new hue, the color of rape. You look at the world through rape-tinted glasses. You understand that you live in a world where getting classically raped is possible and that classical rapists lurk everywhere, even in impossible places”(111). Seeing the world through “rape-tinted glasses” shows that after the assault Gurba has become paralyzed by unease and distrust in the world. This danger is everywhere and she can’t escape the possibility of a sexual threat. Gurba also mentions that she now sees her rapist everywhere. She says “I saw flashes of him in nearly every man. The curve shaved head was him. A sharp grin was him. A bright white T-shirt was him. Tightly laced Nikes were him. Five o’clock shadow was him. Post traumatic omnipresence”(126). Seeing this man in shoes, hair, and t-shirts shows that too Gurba her attacker is everywhere in everything. This pain of seeing her attacker everywhere in every man also leads to the conversation on mental health and PTSD. Gurba has discussed that PTSD is something that was given to her when she says “Did you know PTSD is the only mental illness you can give someone? A person gave it to me. A man actually drove me crazy.” Talking about mental health and being given a mental health illness shows that after a traumatic event like the one she encountered, she and other women struggle mentally. The pain and fear of her experience are carried with her through life and are feelings she continues to struggle with. Gurba shows that life after a traumatic experience is hard and many victims go through fear, distrust, and PTSD.
Throughout the book, Gurba also shows that life after a traumatic event also comes with a lot of guilt and victim-blaming. Gurba shares that she felt guilty for her own assault stating that “I silently doubted my defense. Had I not been wearing a skirt, it wouldn’t have been easy for that smile to go where it didn’t belong”(125). This line stood out to me because it explores the idea of victim-blaming. As women, we are constantly taught how to protect ourselves and “prevent” the chance of getting assaulted, even though there is no way to prevent these things from happening and blame should never be placed on a victim. Unfortunately, hearing statements like “What was she wearing?” has made victims blame themselves as demonstrated by Gurba blaming herself for wearing a skirt. Gurba also draws attention to her own victim-blaming when she questions the meaning of her life being spared but another woman being killed. Gurba says ” If I’d chase him into that alley, caught up to him, taken off my shoe, and beaten him with it like Mom taught me you’re supposed to do with cockroaches, then he wouldn’t have been out stalking, grabbing, and mutilating women”(139). Gurba blames herself for not trying to fight and follow this man which she feels would have stopped him from hurting other women. There is a lot of survivor’s guilt involved in surviving this attack when another woman was killed. Gurba shows that some victims of sexual assault sadly suffer from guilt and blaming themselves in different ways for what happened or what they could have done.
Gurba through sharing her experience has taught readers the many struggles women face after experiencing assault. Sharing her experience with PTSD, guilt, and victim-blaming has demonstrated the various ways trauma affects people later on in life.
Discussion Questions
- Gurba mentions “But I also enjoy being mean” and “being rude to men who deserve it is a holy mission” in this memoir . Is her behavior towards men actually meanness, or is it a valid defense mechanism?
- Gurba uses a lot of humor and sarcasm in her memoir even when discussing difficult topics. Why do you think she writes in this style and what does it do for her book? Could humor be a way of coping with trauma?
Hi Caitlin, I really liked the quotes that you analyzed in your blog post! The “rape-tinted glasses” quote on page 111 also stuck out to me because usually the saying is through rose-colored glasses meaning you view the world in a positive way, but Gurba changes it to mean the exact opposite. For your second question, I do think she writes using humor and sarcasm as a way to cope with the traumatic events she has encountered. The first time she mentions that she was raped she follows it by saying “Stranger rape is like the Mona Lisa. It’s exquisite, timeless, and archetypal. It’s classic” (Gurba 110). The fact that a couple of lines before this she says that she is raped and then this is how she explains it using her humor shows that this is her way of coping. I think she does this to make a horrifying process of recounting her rape into something that she can put into her own words and express through her personality. Her dark humor allows her to explain her rape using words such as timeless, classic, and exquisite which are words that no one would ever use to explain rape. I think that Gurba uses her humor and sarcasm as a way to express her story in a way that is more comfortable to her so that it could be easier to cope with.
Hi Caitlin! I thought you did a really great job on your blog post. I like how you went into detail about the struggles Myriam Gurba continues to face after this traumatic experience. We see that Gurba’s life has been affected in many different ways. In regards to your first question, I believe that Gurba’s behavior towards men is a defense mechanism. Gurba states “I know I can be mean, but I also want to be likable. I just don’t want to be so likeable that anyone wants to rape me” (Gurba 109). For Gurba, meanness is a form of self-defense. It is an attempt to protect herself from this world full of harm. Unfortunately, by being nice towards men she could be putting her life at risk and make them think they are invited to sexually assault her. Therefore, Gurba uses meanness as a way of preventing sexual assault from occurring again. Women use different methods of protection to avoid sexual assault and Gurba’s defense mechanism is meanness. Ultimately, being mean is a method of survival for Gurba.
Hi Caitlin! I really loved your blog post. It brought up so many important topics when it comes to sexual assault. As you brought up the issues with women being asked what they were wearing in the event of sexual assault, it truly shows how degrading people are to women when these events happen. These events are way too common and women are expected to do everything they can to prevent being sexually assaulted however it seems that the attacker is never to blame in society. There are always questions like, “What were you wearing?” “How much did you drink?” “Were you doing drugs?” etc however it seems that there are never really valid, educated questions to better the situation and comfort women who go through this. The quote, “It’s classic. I can’t help but think of it as the Coca-Cola of sex crimes” (Gurba 110) shows how common rape is seen. It is expected to happen and that is clearly shown especially when you start college. When you get on campus you are flooded with information about sexual assault and that is a clear way of showing how big this problem is. Women are not only physically damaged from this, but mentally and emotionally as well. They have to suffer through long term side effects such as PTSD and victim blaming while the attackers often do not live with much punishment or remorse for their actions. Regarding to your first question, I think that it is a valid defense mechanism that she is mean or rude to men because of what she has experienced and gone through. Answering your second question, I feel that the humor is added to lighten the harshness and vivid traumas in Gurba’s life. I feel that this is a coping mechanism for her to try and mask the seriousness of the situations that have effected her very tremendously.
Hey Skylar! I really loved your blog post. I think you used this post to talk about an important topic, the mental ramifications of victims of sexual assault. One quote you used really stood out to me, “…Everything is reborn. Everything takes on a new hue, the color of rape. You look at everything through rape-tinted glasses.” (Gurba 111). I think this was an interesting comparison Gurba makes to try and explain the aftermath for victims of sexual assault. I completely agree with you on the fact that blame should never be placed on the victim. It is so sad that women of sexual assault blame themselves and feel shame when they are in fact the innocent victim. To answer your first discussion question, I do believe Gurba’s “mean” behavior towards men is a valid defense mechanism. In today’s society this is a valid defense mechanism which is so horrible, Gurba states “I know I can be mean, but I also want to be likeable. I just don’t want to be so likeable that anyone wants to rape me” (Gurba109). Women should not have to act mean and tough just so they do not get sexually assaulted, it is appalling that women should have to be fearful of getting assaulted in the first place. I think that Gurba’s meanness is just how she copes to having been a victim of such a horrific incident.
Hi Caitlin, great job on your blog post! I liked how you brought up how Gurba talks about the long-term mental health effects of being raped. Going through a traumatic event like this can change a women’s complete outlook on life and on men and plague women with feelings of fear and distrust, as you said. This heinous act that the man committed has left Gurba blaming herself and having a feeling of survivor’s guilt knowing that Sophia was unable to survive her brutal attack. Regarding your first question I believe that her behavior towards men is a valid defense mechanism. She was left violated by a stranger and now sees that “man” in every other man knowing something like this could happen at any time and by being mean is a way of protecting herself in way so that men won’t pay attention to her. She says “We act mean to defend ourselves from boredom and from those who would chop off our breasts. We act mean to defend our clubs and institutions” (Gurba 17). In this quote she is saying that being mean is a way of protecting herself from something like this ever happening again. You can’t blame Gurba for her feelings and going through something like this has changed her outlook on men and her whole perspective of life.
Hi Caitlin! I really enjoyed reading your blog post, I thought it was very good. I liked how you focused on her trauma with the sexual assault, and the aftermath of that event happening. To answer your second question, I would definitely argue that Gurba uses this humor to deal with the trauma. I think that the way that Gurba writes not only helps her, but also makes it easier on the readers while reading about such a terrible thing. Gurba’s writing helps others to be informed on how often sexual assault happens, and there is not enough justice for the victims. Gurba writes, “As quickly as the shopper had become him, he unbecame him” (Gurba 126). In this she is showing us how she has been affected so much by the assault that she felt like she was seeing him everywhere, even when it was not actually him, and it was another stranger who happened to be a male. Many girls, much like Gurba, deal with the aftermath and fear of a sexual assault.
Hi Caitlin! Great job on your post. I liked how you pointed out how sexual assault has affected Gurba’s view on life. I think it was very hard and painful to read because no one should ever have to suffer that trauma in life. It’s unfair that many women have to suffer because of sexual assault. I think Gurba’s behavior towards men is a valid defense method because it’s very hard to recover from that trauma. Some women get past it and unfortunately others can’t get past it because it’s very tough. I can only imagine how traumatizing it is. In Mean it states, “It’s not fair that I’ve had so much privilege. And by privilege, I mean life. The privilege of surviving doesn’t feel good. It makes me feel guilty.” (Gurba 112). This proves that trauma isn’t an easy thing to cope with. I honestly don’t blame her for feeling and being that way towards men because that is her way of coping.
Hi Caitlin, great post!
When it comes to Gurba’s use of humor it comes off as a variety of things, two of those being barriers. One barrier is put in place for Gurba’s own protection, and the other barrier is a form of witty comic relief. Her humor is mostly based on wordplay that falls into the category of double entendre because of the way she plays with the words’ denotations and more sexual connotations. But there other also moments in which her humor is more based on shock, and how her thoughts seem to align in a very strange way like when she writes: “‘Oh my god,’ I thought horrified. ‘I’m wearing my period underwear.’ Girls know what I’m talking about” (Gurba 119). In the context of the moment she’s describing, this becomes a very strange thing to be thinking of, but it’s meant to give Gurba and the reader a moment to place their focus elsewhere. It’s not very humorous necessarily, but its setup makes it sound like a line from a stand-up comedy routine especially because of the last sentence. She places this there as a way to break a very serious topic up and give the readers a little something that is so shocking it might elicit some kind of emotional break in a possibly “funny” way. I think it was a thought that shocked her so much that she found it oddly humorous as well to the point where it became a coping mechanism. Throughout the entire book, Gurba uses comedy as a way of cope, which is a very common way people deal with uncomfortable or emotionally vulnerable moments in life.
Hi Caitlin, great post! I like how you brought up the fact that it is important to discuss the pain of traumatic events after they happen. In regards to your second question I do believe that Gurba uses humor as a coping mechanism to help deal with her past. In the statemen “I always get crushes on people who are mean to me” (Gruba, 109) is she joking about having crushes. I believe she is so that she can let go of what the “mean” people did to her. As she mentioned the “mean” people referring to those who sexually assaulted her. This is how she views them I feel like so she can let go and move on with her life.
Hi Caitlin! Great job with your blog post! I like all of the quotes you used to describe Gurba’s traumatic experience and how it still affects her on an everyday basis. I especially liked how you talked about the guilt Gurba carries around with her and how many women feel guilt about a situation when people blame them for being raped or sexually assaulted. Gurba says, “When you have PTSD, things repeat themselves over and over and over. Guilt is a ghost. Guilt is a ghost. Guilt is a ghost.” (Gurba, 116). This quote shows how the situation still haunts her on a daily basis. When it’s implied that what she was wearing influenced the situation Gurba says, “what a woman wears has nothing to do with whether or not she gets raped!” (Gurba, 125). Gurba already carries guilt around with her from this situation so when her father implies it could be her fault he just adds to it. I feel like Gurba acts mean towards men because of all of these situations and how she’s been treated by men throughout her life so it can be justified as a defense mechanism.
Hi Caitlin! I really like that you talked about how Gurba’s mindset changed after being sexual assault. To answer your first question, I think that being mean towards men is a defense mechanism. The reason why I think this is because men like to take situations to far and if you are mean, then situations don’t escalate. To answer your second question, I think Gurba uses humor and sarcasm to not only cope with her trauma but to maybe also give the reader a way to cope with their own trama. I think humor takes the pressure off of the need to heal and when someone goes through something traumatic, they have a mindset that they need to heal fast and I don’t think anyone can heal very fast. It takes time and patience to heal and healing doesn’t happen overnight, it is a process. A lot of people have PTSD after traumatic events happen in their life and Gurba says, “when you have PTSD, things repeat themselves over and over and over. Guilt is a ghost. Guilt is a ghost. Guilt is a ghost” (116). When traumatic events like rape or sexual assault happen, the victim of the situation tells themself it is their fault that situation happened and they feel a sense of guilt because of this. When someone does something traumatic to someone else, I think their intent is to make the victim feel guilty because it gives the person doing the traumatic event a feeling of power in a way.
Good job with this comment, Greta, just make sure to read your writing aloud to check for typos and small mistakes with spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
Score: 4 out of 5
Hi Caitlin, I want to focus light on the title of your blog post “Coping with trauma”. I believe that Gurba copes with the trauma being expressed by being blunt in her writing and using dark humor to hide the pain. To answer your first guiding question, When Gurba mentions, “But I also enjoy being mean” and “being rude to men who deserve it is a holy mission” I believe that this is her expressing herself in a valid defense mechanism. This connects to your title because this was Gurba’s coping mechanism. She was writing this in a third-party audience and wanted to show how each event comes together. The text states, “If I’d chase him into that alley, caught up to him, taken off my shoe, and beaten him” (Gurba 139). This text inherently reveals the hurt she went through being refected into a way of protection of her own feelings. She is putting her hurt into an expression on imagining what it would feel like if a man felt what she went through. I believe she expresses herself in dark humor to talk about bad memories and replace them with something better. This is a way to move on and try to worth for a better tomorrow instead of going back to the past.
Hi Caitlin! You did a great job going into detail about coping with trauma according to Gurba’s memoir. I found your second question to be very interesting. I think she brings humor into her story to lighten the topic because it is a very deep and gruesome topic to handle. This type of book now a days would come with a trigger warning because of the topic of sexual assault and rape. She brings humor into when she is talking about the most gruesome parts of sexual assault and rape. She also talks in a humorous way about her sister Ofelia’s eating disorder. She says that no man would choose to rape Ofelia because she obviously is too skinny and not the right target. She also talks about sexual assault in a humorous way when in real life it is not a humorous event that can happen. Gurba talks about it in a humorous way by saying, “Did you know PTSD is the only mental illness you can give someone? A person gave it to me. A man actually drove me crazy.” By saying this she made a joke about how she never thought a human being, let alone a man, would be able to make her go crazy. I believe that her sense of humor in the memoir is a coping mechanism so that she can deal with her PTSD from the sexual assault.